trying. just trying.

so, i have to remember that even though i totally HATE my friday and saturday job, i have to keep it, and excel. luckily, and i swear this is true, i would never pretend this, when i half-ass it? they still seem to love me! it's not that i TRY to half-ass it, and when i do, i can hear my mom's voice in my brain. she says, "REALLY?! this is NOT the woman i raised. get out there and DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!" but i mean. i don't know why, but even when i'm an idiot, these people love me!!! but i would NEVER bank on that.

actually, that is, unfortunately, probably not true.

i can see a day in my future when, if i hate it enough, i could totally do that.

so, what do i do?

i try to keep my head in the game. because, really. there are so many people that have NO jobs, and i have two. i was one of those people with no job, not that long ago. i just have to remember what it was like to be that person.

it'll all work out.

:)

figuring it out.

so, i'm at the tail end of the second week at my new job. and, can i just say? I. LOVE. IT. i'm back in my element: the work is insanely easy, and everyone is marveling at my ability to work so quickly. this is where i shine.

and i can't tell you how hard it is to not delete that last sentence. but i'm going to keep it. i'm going to give myself credit. i'm going to let myself be proud of what i'm accomplishing, and look forward to what i WILL accomplish in the future.

ok, i better hit publish now, before i lose my nerve.

:)

it's fine.

so, i'm a bit tipsy. but, the fact that i just pigged out on salmon and pasta, instead of cheeseburgers and fries is better. right? RIGHT?!

oy vey.

i'm pretty sure spending three hours cleaning a ten year old boy's bedroom counts as a workout.

MY. GOD.

but, i gotta say, i'm kind of proud of myself. got a decent night's sleep last night, went to work, came home and right away attacked the room. and now? i'm working on laundry.

this is one of the more productive days i've had in a VERY long time.

if i'm getting all of this done so i can be totally lazy tomorrow, it still counts, right??

;)

day one. baby steps.

so. we all gotta start somewhere, right??

i ran with the wii fit for 10 minutes this evening (okay, 8) and i worked 5 hours today.

not exactly earth-shattering, but hey. it's more than i did yesterday!

:D

starting over.

so, i had this blog.

and then, i abandoned it.

but now, i think i'm going to bring it back.

see, i feel like something is changing; like something NEEDS to change.

i don't want to bitch and scream and cry anymore about the goddamned INJUSTICE of it all.

i want to DO SOMETHING about it.

i start a new job tomorrow morning. the first "real" job i've had in nearly three years. and that's gotten me thinking: about the person i was then. and the person i've become.

i feel like i've been absolutely BEATEN DOWN by life. i've felt like everything i've done since that day i lost my job has been NOT ENOUGH. i feel lazy, and useless, and a complete failure.

so, i drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much, and sit on my ass. and i feel bad about it, but i don't DO anything about it. well, okay. i try to get hired, but since nothing comes of that, i still feel like i'm doing nothing.

i'm FUCKING SICK OF IT.

sick and tired of feeling worthless and stupid. sick and tired of feeling helpless in my own skin. but most of all? i'm sick of whining and crying about it.

so? um...i don't know. but, i know i need to start somewhere. and it seems like having a way to sort out what i'm feeling, to look at what i'm going through, might be a good idea. it won't be literature, and it might not always be nice. but i'm going to try my best to make this a positive tool about the things that are good in my life.


so, here we go. let's see what happens.